Affect of Life: True Emotions & Senses of an Addict

Hey all!! I know its been so long since I have been blogging on myfittribe.
Its pretty apparent something is wrong.
A quick recap of recent history. Precluding the beginning of my latest semester of college I was arguably the leanest and heaviest i've ever been. Definitely the leanest at the heaviest, and maybe even the leanest period.
A few weeks into school and I bottomed out.
Lets try looking at why?
I'm a little to obsessed with this shit, honestly. There's something I'm really missing I guess.
To go to classes at 9am and hit the gym once a day 4-5 times a week, and do cardio at some point almost everyday.
Throw in making my meals for classes, and the kind of uneasy feeling of eating during class while people stare. I dont know why I care, its like I have to prove something. BUt to who and why?
Now its 2 months later? Maybe 3, I've lost track of time. I've lost track of my life really. I am now in the worst shape of my life. This is a crappy story right? ;)
Not really. I've always remained positive and I never quit, but at what cost will I keep doing this annual routine. Its habitual. I'm doing something wrong, or not doing something right. Basically I worship food, it controls me so that's that no matter how you look at it. I turn to it when im stressed out and I dont know why? Definitely something I leanred growing up, im pretty sure. I need to learn a better way, its not easy though.

Until recently I didnt realize so many people gave a shit, or at least appear to. I am really sad at that , you may not know this, but I shouldn't even be alive right now. I've acquired through birth debatably the worst deadly liver disease? I wont name it but a very high percentage don't live past infancy.
I want to just experience life and I truly hate our culture but maybe its just me and my perceptions. Who knows

I lost touch with my few friends that kept me going. THey didnt realize it but they helped me a lot. ASHLEY!!! Where you went to man!! A few others that you dont know, so I wont mention and others that I dont realize helped me, so I guess i dont know to mention you. I also stopped contacting my good friends, really good friends for a while too and recently finally started talking again. School is stressful and its almost over for the semester. Thankfull my grades are still very high except one class which I'm hoping to drop, even if i need a medical excuse. I guess that means someone is looking out for me. And lets not forget my little promise that I made and I dont know why i made it or how, but I gotta keep my promise (for a later date).

I want to be able to cry, laugh, get pissed, be kind, be supportive, be emotional like humans are. What is up with having to hide this shit b/c im male? No, you're gay if you do that. You're not a man. Who the crap are you to tell me that? You're the sad one. Wow, what am I writing. We're supposed to be able to experience and experiment with our bodies. That's what life is about.

Part of life is giving up control where you need to and just believing in faith. Whatever your faith is. Living life without fear right? I've never been a big believer in how many faiths practice these days. I dont like people claiming to be the highest up getting mad when you question them. Whats up with that, that's exactly why you're the highest up, so you can help guide people, not tell them not to question and just believe. The funniest perception is that God, any god, is a human being. How can that be? I've often laughed at pictures of jesus christ as a white male. How on earth can you even say that, draw that? And why am Im so bad for thinking that? How do we know what Jesus looked like, if he was son of God. Then that means God must have been some type of white? Now then are white superior race? I'll stop here before some people get angry. But if we're going to do something right, let's start with the original scriptures, the original doctrines. Not some 53rd versions, six-times translated... lost in translation. Maybe we should just learn the language it was written in. Maybe my message is to not just trust. Truth faith will FEEL right. let your soul guide you, or let your God guide you. A funny story I once heard that really shows this:
A middle-aged man was boarding up his home in prepartion for the storm of the century. The news casts predicted flooding within hours. The military showed up as the town was evacuating and asked the man if he was going to come with them. To which he replied, "no. I have faith in God and his abilities to help and guide me." The military left the man. A few hours later the flooding had built up a few feet and flooded half his house. The man had to climb to the roof and sit there. The military came back this time in choppers and lowered the baskets to the man. They asked if he wanted to jump in the basket. The man replied, "no. I have faith that god will save and rescue me and provide safe haven." The military left. A few hours later the streets were completely flooded and the town was under water. The military came back again, this time in motorboats. They drove up to the man hanging onto the chimney of his house tryign not to get flooded and pulled away. They asked if he wanted a hand. The man replied, "No. I have faith taht god will provide safety and rescue for me". The military left this time they didnt return. The man got swept away and died. In heaven when the man stood before God and he asked, God, why didnt you rescue me when I believed in you. To which God replied, Did I not send you help three times?

I think I possibly could go on for hours more of typing but that would be really un-fun. So I leave you with this: watch the movie SEVEN POUNDS with Will Smith. What an amazing actor. Good good movie. 5 stars OUT OF 5 stars

Oh, and as the legendary Terminator says 'I'll be back", but i will have some assistance